Not So Humble Brag
I did something I’m proud of today! #NotSoHumbleBrag. Wait…Lauren, you know it’s supposed to be Humble brag, right? No, screw that. I’m f’n proud of myself, why do I have to be humble about it? I have some amazing people in my life that occasionally say things like “Ooo, friend, I was bragging about you today!”. And man does that make me feel good. You know what they didn’t say? They didn’t say that they were humbly bragging about me, nope they were super talkin’ me up. Because why would they need to be humble about compliments? These people know me, they love me, they’re proud of me and they’re not afraid to tell the world. So, tell me, why are we so hesitant to brag about the person that should be #1 in our lives: ourselves.
Because Science, Duh
I have a spiel I give to probably every single one of my clients. I’m going to share it with you now: Studies have shown that negative thinking actually changes our brain chemistry. And the reverse is true, as well! So the more negative thinking you do, the harder it is to think positively, to the point that your brain actually starts to fire and make connections differently and not in a good way. You start seeing the negative in everything and everywhere. You no longer notice the small joys in life and it begins to weigh you down. It gets harder and harder to face the day knowing that there’s nothing good you’re looking forward to. And what’s the point of it all anyway? If this sounds remotely familiar, then hello depression, you’ve entered the chat. The internal chat you have running through your brain day in and day out. The one that doesn’t allow you space to recognize the amazing things you do day in and day out, that you should recognize and be proud of.
Now let’s enter a therapy session with me where I give you the following task: Tell me 3 positive things that happened to you today. That’s it, just 3. They can be big, they can be small. Did someone hold the door open for you when you were rushing into work late? Damn, how nice of them! Did you walk out of school and realize the weather was that perfect in between summer and fall and the trees looked absolutely stunning? Yasss, I love looking at that beautiful stuff too! Oh, and someone complimented you on your outfit? Ok, ok, I see you, yes you look great!
That took up 5 minutes in our session, tops. But I have oh so many clients that struggle with this exercise and rail against it! They are so hesitant to allow themselves the space to notice the happy things in others and the world around them, don’t even get them started on themselves. I’ll be honest, I have days where I struggle with this, as well. Because society tells us we are supposed to be humbly accepting these small joys in life. Because we’ve gotten so caught up in negativity, that it’s hard to recognize the great things that are obvious around us, let alone the good things we have floating around in our minds. But I say no more! Let’s celebrate them, let’s shout them from the rooftops. Because you deserve it. You deserve to wake up and look forward to the day. You deserve to feel and show excitement about things you enjoy. Hell, you deserve to enjoy things period and tell everyone about it so they can be excited too. And you deserve recognition for the amazing things you accomplish, big or small. No more humble brag.
But I didn’t get to the science I referenced above so here’s a link to someone that does a great job of explaining how our brains work in regards to our thinking. I’ll summarize and then you can check out their article because you’re smart and curious and want to know more! Basically, your brain wants serotonin and dopamine (good brain chemicals) and it gets it by seeking out things that make us feel good. (Check out this beautiful, simplified infographic for more on happiness brain chemicals). We get little happy dings of this when someone likes our pic on Ig and we get it when someone irl tells you they’re proud of you, even yourself. Now, enter negativity in the brain. We think so hard about that one negative comment someone gave us and ignore alllll the other nice things people have said. And your brain starts to recognize how hard you’re focusing on negativity so it says “oh this is important, we need to pay attention to negative things”. Thus creating this negative cycle where your brain says over and over “ooo negative things, lets pay close attention”, until you're trapped in this pit of doom. Pit of doom minimizes compliments, accomplishments, and all those other happy things, never allowing our brain the chance to access those good brain chemicals that are oh so necessary. And when we don’t even recognize that these positive things are happening, it becomes harder and harder to voice out loud those good things. We don’t brag about ourselves and we don’t even humble brag. Our mean inner voice tells us these things aren’t important and who would want to hear them anyhow, it’s not that big of a deal. But they matter, they are a big deal! And if you would say it to a friend, then you can say it to yourself!
At the end of the day, those negative thoughts do NOT have to be facts and we do not have to live in this shitty place forever. We begin to move away from the pit of doom by looking for small positive things. I know it seems basic, but these are baby steps to a healthier you and good relationships with your #1 (that’s YOU, remember?!). So let’s do 5 minutes of a therapy session with me and tell me 3 positive things that happened to you today. Let me get you started on some things to consider:
What are you proud of?
What did you do well?
Did someone do something nice for you today?
Did you do something nice for someone else?
Did you see somebody else doing something nice for another person?
What made you smile or laugh?
What or who are you grateful for?
What didn’t suck?
Next step: Can you look in the mirror and tell yourself something nice from that list above? And, lastly, can you please NOT so humble brag on that amazing person standing in front of you?
