Boundaries
We’ve all been there, said yes to something when we really meant no. And then spent so much time and energy dedicated to being angry, frustrated, and overwhelmed with ourselves for not saying what we meant and for not saying, “I can’t handle one more thing!”. Our society has become so fast paced and go, go, go, that I think a lot of us don’t realize it’s ok to not do just one more thing! We’re allowed to say no AND not feel bad about it! Wait…what…we can? Yup, we can. Saying no when you realize you have nothing more to give is a sign of a healthy boundary. Boundaries mean different things to different people. They can be fluid, meaning we get to decide if or when we want them to change. And they are also different with different people and settings. So let’s dive in and figure out how we can start saying no or creating the space from others that we may be desperately craving.
First of all, wtf are boundaries?
I touched on it a little bit by saying boundaries are the amount of space between you and someone else. We’re gonna use Goldilocks rules; there can be too much, too little, or just right. But how much depends on you and your personal porridge or boundaries preference. This is not just physical distance, though, this can also be an emotional one or even protection of your own personal ideas.
Physical Boundaries
Have you seen the vids of people getting into an elevator with all the space in the world and someone decides they’re going to stand right next to the only other person in there? And we all laugh and feel slightly uncomfortable. But why do we feel that way? Because one person is so obviously violating another’s physical space and we’re all thinking “Back tf up, you’re too close!”. That’s an exaggerated example, but I feel like one we can all understand. Physical boundaries are also:
Handshakes or pats on the back
How close someone stands to you
Giving hugs to family members/friends when you don’t want to
Someone touching your things or going into your personal space without permission
Emotional Boundaries
This is who you allow access to you emotionally, who you feel comfortable sharing your feelings with. Some people are great listeners and give great advice, so maybe they have more access to you. Others may become critical or distracted, causing you to not feel comfortable or validated when you try to connect on a deeper level. This is also who you allow to share things with you, too, though. Not wanting to listen to your coworker talk about their sex life or ask you for dating advice is just one example.
Mental/Intellectual Boundaries
We all believe in something, we all have a soapbox we can stand on or a hill we’ll die on. For example, I believe cheese should be on most foods and my partner doesn’t. He’s so very clearly wrong and for whatever reason, he’s decided he will die on a hill with no cheese in his life. The boundary in our relationship is we both very politely do not speak of cheese in our house. But ideas are not limited to the necessity of cheese in your life. I would imagine most of us have strong opinions on politics, race, religion, parenting, war, the economic state of our country, and football teams. We get to make the decision on who we spend our time with and the topics that come up in conversation. We have the right to feel respected and in turn respect others opinions, as well.
Time Boundaries
This brings me back to the first example I gave of saying yes when we really mean no. Taking on extra tasks at work or staying late. Answering late night phone calls when you haven’t slept well in days. Committing to a social engagement when you really don’t want to talk to anyone and just want to sit in front of the tv with a bowl of cheese.
Material Boundaries
If you grew up with siblings, you may be familiar with the rage that ensues when you go to wear your favorite shirt and you find it balled up, dirty on the floor in THEIR room. Ohhhh man, you stole my shirt! But what about the times someone asked to borrow your car and you really didn’t want to say yes. Or your friends want to go out, but you know you need to save money for rent. Material boundaries refers to the access others have to your actual physical possessions.
Sexual Boundaries
Sex means different things to everyone, which is why clarification and communication are so important with our partners. This means when and where someone is allowed to touch you, the topics you’re willing to discuss, how often you’re willing to get down, and when.
Types of boundaries
So the above lists all the different areas of our lives or relationships where we can set boundaries. But I said before boundaries vary depending on who we are talking to and where we are emotionally, physically, or mentally. Below are the types of boundaries we may have in different settings, with different people, and in different scenarios.
Rigid Boundaries
This means absolutely no access to you on a personal level. Picture you in a castle. You would be in the center and rigid boundaries have you completely surrounded by high walls, a moat, a drawbridge, and some dragons breathing fire for good measure. Sometimes this is done to keep you safe, sometimes this is done because it’s what’s societally appropriate, and sometimes your brain just thinks it’s keeping you safe based on past experiences.
So if the cashier at the grocery store asks you “how are you?” and you just reply “good, thanks”. That’s a rigid boundary and is considered the norm for our society. We ask to be polite and not telling your whole life story is acceptable. Good rigid boundary! But if we find ourselves in relationships and the people you want to be close to get the same access to you as the cashier, well that’s a little different. At some point, maybe that kept you safe and now your brain has learned that the only way we can stay safe is to not allow others access to us at all. In a relationship, this can look like:
Fear of intimacy
Not asking for help when it’s needed
Appearing detached even with your romantic partners
Having few close relationships
Keeping others at a distance
Porous/Permeable Boundaries
There are absolutely no walls around your castle. Everyone, good, bad, and ugly can come on in and stay awhile. The cashier at the grocery stores knows all about your childhood and what you had for dinner last night. In your relationships this can look like:
Not being able to say no
Enmeshment or needing constant connection with your partner
Accepting of abuse or neglect
Fear of rejection if you say no
Depending on others opinions
Healthy/Flexible Boundaries
Falls somewhere in between rigid and porous OR knowing when to put rigid/porous boundaries in place. You are comfortable saying no and accepting when others say no to you. You make space/time for yourself. You communicate with others what you want or need. And you don’t allow others to run over you with their own values if they conflict with yours.
Alright so what do we do with all this information?
If you’re in the healthy boundaries category in all areas of your life, mad kudos to you! But most of us struggle in at least one area of our lives with saying “no” too little or too much. So the first step is just recognizing that it’s happening. If you spend a good portion of your time:
Feeling walked all over
Feeling drained or overwhelmed
Feeling disrespected by others or yourself
Feeling like you have too many unmet goals and too much chaos
Then those are some signs of boundaries being crossed somewhere and I invite you to do a little self-exploration and figure out what area of your life that’s happening in. The next step is figuring out how to communicate to others that boundaries are being violated. I’m going to give you some ideas of how to communicate this, but first and foremost
NO IS A COMPLETE SENTENCE!
We don’t have to EVER explain or apologize for setting a boundary. Your reasoning for saying no is personal and you only have to explain yourself if you choose to, not because your boundary made someone else uncomfortable. That’s for them to explore, not you!
Ok, so examples of how we can say no for a variety of boundary violations:
“Please stay out of my room” (physical boundary)
“No, I can’t drive you to the store or let you borrow the car” (material boundary)
“I won’t be able to make it to the baby shower” (time boundary)
“Please let customers know I am only available for calls between 8-5” (time boundary)
“I use protection every time I have sex” (sexual boundary)
“That doesn’t feel good, it hurts” (sexual/physical boundary)
“I understand we have different ideas, but that doesn’t mean you can insult me” (mental/intellectual boundary)
“I really need to talk, are you able to listen right now?” (emotional boundary)
“I’m not at a great place to listen right now, let’s revisit this conversation later” (emotional boundary)
This all sounds good and fine, but please allow yourself some space and grace to practice, while knowing that you may not always get it right! And that’s ok. Know that you’re unlearning patterns of thinking that you’ve probably had for a good deal of time, so it’s going to take some time to retrain your brain. Also know that the more you practice, the easier it gets. Also also know that you will for sure have people that try to make you feel bad for setting a boundary. The people most uncomfortable and angry about you setting a boundary are typically the ones most guilty of violating it. That behavior can be toxic, controlling, and abusive in any setting. The more you stick to your guns, the more they’ll learn that what they’re doing is unacceptable. You setting boundaries is not meant as a punishment to those close to you. This is an opportunity to grow as an individual, as well as in your relationships if those around you are also willing to show up and recognize it’s time for a change!
