5 Tips for Setting Boundaries this Holiday Season
You may or may not have seen my previous, more in depth post on boundaries. We talked about all the different types there are and areas of our lives where boundaries can occur. This post is a little different because it’s specific for the most magical time of the year; the holidays! Holidays can be great: more time with family, good food, presents, time off from work, 8 thousand Hallmark movies all with the same concept, and Mariah Carey. Buuut holidays can also suck: more time with family, good food, money for presents, demands from work, unrealistic Hallmark movies, and “I can’t hear that damn Mariah Carey song one more time!”. So below are 5 reminders of boundary enforcement, holiday themed.
5: Good noms!
Love me some holiday foods. Green bean casserole, pies, stuffing, breads..I’m drooling now. But unfortunately those foods don’t love me. I have to keep a boundary with myself and make a decision if it’s as strict as it normally is the rest of the year. If I know I’m going into a situation where there’s food that may make me sick, but I find it to be worth it, then I get to make a choice to shift that boundary and deal with the consequences later. What I refuse to do however, is allow others to shift that line for me. So, I’m sorry to Great Auntie So and So, but if you made your special bread on top of bread treat and I don’t want it, I’m going to just say “No, thank you”. I don’t need to feel guilty about saying no either. Great Auntie So and So won’t see me in potential pain later so sorry, not sorry.
Let’s talk portion size. I’ve had clients tell me they’re so excited for the holidays, but Grandma Mind Ya Business always has something to say about how much is on their plate. Ya know what, that sounds like a her problem. There’s a great boundary coach by the name of Kami Orange. She’s got a tiktok and IG, giving her fave boundary phrases. Check her out! I love the response of “What an odd thing to say out loud” in this situation and then piling on more food. I don’t know if Grandma Mind Ya Business is fat shaming, controlling, or thinks she’s being funny, but I’m hungry. We get to eat this food once, maybe twice a year and let’s give ourselves a little grace. Your body, your choice all day everyday in all the ways. The flip side of this oh so true, as well. Maybe you hate holiday food and you’re actually going to go eat Chinese food as soon as you can escape this dry turkey hell. If you put the bare minimum on your plate, we’re not letting anyone shame us into eating food we just don’t want or like.
4: Hug Uncle Red Flag
It was the most eye opening thing when I became a parent that there was a new to me revolution of not forcing our kids to hug Uncle Red Flag. Ya know, the one that holds on a little too long, that all the adults pretend is fine. He wants to sit a little too close to you and you just get creep vibes. Ya’ll this is your intuition screaming and your mind is telling you danger, danger. Again, I can’t say this enough, it is your body. Parents, this goes for your children, as well. When we minimize their concerns in this area, we teach them that no only means no, when we make the choice for them. Those kids potentially grow up questioning their own ability to decide what happens to their bodies and this can lead to some potentially damaging situations as they get older. I understand there may be some cultural expectations there or generational ones. I understand this may feel extremely uncomfortable as the parent to break tradition of hugging and kissing every family member. But if you or your child feel any way about it, then let’s go with that. Suggestions of what to say in these situations: “Awe the baby is feeling a little tired right now, she’s not feeling up to such personal attention…Oh, I actually just prefer a fist bump, covid and germs and all that!”. If you’re feeling ballsy, it is perfectly ok to say “I really don’t like hugs, but I’m so happy to see you!” Or not even adding the ending if you’re actually not happy to see them. No shame there.
3: Yeahhh I’m just going to need you to stay late…
Ah, you have the boss from Office Space, how lovely. Not. Your family is in town, your friends are having a great party, or you need time to get your shopping done. Whatever the reason, you put your leave in and now your work is knocking on your door, sending you texts, blowing up your phone, hell maybe even stalking your social media. BUT you submitted your time. They are now going out of their way to attempt to monopolize the time you may always be willing to give to them, but are not wanting to at this moment. There’s no reason to feel guilty about that, we should all be striving for work-life balance throughout the whole year. But if you want to go back to giving the job all your attention tomorrow, that’s fine. But today is allowed to be yours and you are allowed to have this moment.
2: Let’s all gather round the fire
And decorate the tree together, and drink hot cocoa together, and go look at the lights together, and watch holiday movies together. You get the picture. The holidays are a helluva lot of time together. For those of us that thrive off all the people, this is your time to shine! But for those of us that need a moment to ourselves, the holidays can be a struggle. For many of us, this is one of our big annual vacations away from work and the normal grind. If you trade it for the family grind, that doesn’t leave much time for you to feel rejuvenated and well rested. I have a big family while my partner does not. I love the chaos and while he does too, he also needs a minute alone sometimes. I try to make it a point to plan our lodging somewhere that allows that for him, if possible. And also to see if we can sneak away for a moment with just the two of us, which we both need and love. And then to understand that while I may love to stay up all night talking to everyone, it’s perfectly fine for him to go lay in bed and stare at his phone. And the rest of the family needs to understand the boundary on our time together and his time alone. We also decide the length of time we’ll be vacationing, even if it means we cut it short so we can go back home and just be bums in our own home before getting back to work. Do I feel guilty that I didn’t spend every waking moment of my vacation with my family? Eh, slightly, but it also feels so good to wake up and not fight over bathroom space or have someone disrupt me reading the new book I just got. So it works out!
1: Buying presents for Great Aunt So and So, Uncle Red Flag, and Grandma Mind Ya Business
That ish gets expensive! I make it a goal every year that I’m going to save part of each paycheck to set aside for all my holiday expenses. It’s a great goal, it never works because, life. I’m left towards the end of the year hard and fast sticking to my budget for each person that I feel like is going to expect a gift. That’s right, they are going to expect a gift. Not necessarily people that I would really want to buy for given the choice. Ah ha, but I do have the choice! Even if they’re buying for me, which is their choice! Having a boundary with your finances is perfectly acceptable and responsible. And should require no explanation to others about what you choose to do with your money. Maybe I’ve been saving my vacation time to go somewhere with just me and my partner. Which means, I need money to get there and it’s money that really doesn’t need to go towards getting people I talk to once a year a present. That’s ok! You’re allowed to decide! If that’s too much, that’s ok too. We’re all working at this boundary thing all the time and we don’t always do exactly what we set out to do right away. Maybe this year, you reduce the budget towards friends or extended family members. Maybe next year, you reduce it a little more!
At the end of the day, all of these boundaries are what works best for you. Maybe some of my statements sound harsh or you could never picture yourself saying those exact things. That’s ok! You don’t have to, friends, I promise. We all set boundaries for ourselves differently, in different situations and with different people. Sometimes they fluctuate depending on our moods or circumstances. Sometimes they’re extremely rigid, again depending on our moods or circumstances. Whatever you decide to do this holiday season in terms of boundaries, just know you have a choice. You’re allowed to say “no” and “no” is indeed a whole ass complete sentence.
Bonus Tips
I couldn’t resist, I love a good bonus! Other places you can just say no:
No, I don’t want to drink or smoke
No, I don’t want to take a picture
No, I don’t want to smile incessantly
No, I don’t want to wear that hideous matching outfit/ugly sweater
No, I don’t want to go to *insert religious tradition here*
